through her eyes i see hope
fascination and amazement
in her company i hear my heart sing
with her laughter a weight being lifted from my shoulders
and i want to just hold her in my arms and never let go
to keep that picture of her dimpled smile etched in my mind forever.

was talking to mel over dinner when i realised to my horror that the year was close to coming to an end
and i was stunned into silence
and i swore i felt my heartbeat accelerating and waves of helplessness wash over me when i realised that once again i had done and achieved just about nothing in the course of an entire year.

there is no denying that the past 363 or so days have been relatively eventful and filled and also that i have grown tones
(more like aged actually..i feel older..i think one would be able to make out the wrinkles and white hair soon)
i've tried my hand at working - from boring desk jobs, to hiding in between shelves at a bank to pouring over income tax forms and now finally facing a class of children
got my first taste of being fired from a job
received the much dreaded A level results
get admitted into university to begin a new phase of life
meet new people
miss my old friends
won somethings
lost some
found one that i hope to keep for a long time to come
its kinda been a whole whirlwind of events
an entire rollercoaster ride on which i've barely had time to catch my breath
and somehow it seems that no matter how long after..i'm still going round in circles
the music of the carousel doesnt stop
and i have to continue running the course

i dont for certain what the next year will bring
but i guess it'll have its own set of joys and woes
tears and laughter
and i can only look expactantly forward that it will all be good.
no resolutions for me
i will only just hope and pray.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special

as the darkness slowly creeps in
and the moon returns to take her place in the black velvet sky
i look out of the window at the vastness above me
struggling to see the faint light of the stars through all that night
suddenly i feel so insignificant and small
just a little nobody in this concrete jungle
that seems to be threatening to swollow me in a single glup.
the street lights flicker
the headlights of the car glaring me in the face as the engine roars by
incessant pattering of footsteps as the crowds just brush past
oblivious to the existencce of the other
concerned only with themselves, their thoughts, their responsibilities

okay this is just a seemingly pointless post.
and i am only just rattling senselessly
hope tomorrow evening will be good.

merry christmas
wishing you hope.joy.peace and LOVE

i dont care much for pretty boxes
or lovely paper and shiny bows
the best girts rarely come wrapped.

thanks to the presence of a little girl who can barely walk straight
but is intent on shrieking while running through the rooms in my house
and along the aisles of the supermarket
i've enjoyed christmas like i havent in years
her smile lights up the room more than any number of bulbs on a christmas tree could
and the warmth she brings just touches your very core.

unfortunately though, my dislike for large family gatherings has been further reinforced and cemented
cosy nice quiet small affairs are infinitely more comfortable and enjoyable.
although i have discoverd today the advantage of male cousins -
they are the ones responsible for clearing packing and carrying heavy stuff and we just stand around, watch and try to look helpful.
*smiles

mona lisa smiles

its christmas eve
so tell me why i am neither smiling nor feeling the festive cheer
tell me why my heart is heavy and tears are brimming at my eyes

you just always have to spoil everything
and nothing i do will ever be good enough cos all you see are only the times i have let you down.
i am not you
i am not like you
everyone in this freaking house just keeps on complaining about how upset they are how hurt they are
how much i have made them upset
or about how selfish i am being preoccupied with my own life
and disregard everyone else in this HOUSE (not home)
just because i remain silent and choose not to confront anyone
it doesnt mean that i am the only one that is unwounded and complete.

you say i treat you as secondary
then perhaps maybe when i am home and around try to make and effort to talk to me
and tell me again why i bother reshuffling my schedule with my friends or cancelling appointments to pick you up from work?
you see my friends are evidently so important to me

if would see the world through your eyes
would you then try to see the world through mine?

jovi's back ((:
and once again the house is filled with her incessant shrieks and cries
and of cos..her lovely laughter and giggles and her smile that can melt even the coldest hearts
to see her eyes light up and shine
her deep dimples appear
and her lips turn up in a smile
i would go to the ends of earth and back
or even turn myself into a ridiculous idiot muttering nonensically in front of her..
oh yes i love her so

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear
It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends
maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

tell me why do we keep deceiving ourselves?
why wont you let go?
when theres nothing left to hold on to.
is there?

theres a light at each end of this tunnel
you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
and these mistake you've made
you'll just make them again
if only you try turning around

how could i ever turn my back on you?
i hear your words ringing loud in my ears
but yet those images i see
playing vividly in my mind's eye
and somehow i just cant erase them and let it go

its a saturday night and here i am rotting at home short of dying of boredom.
i actually watched naruto to help kill time
as it slowly crawled past me today.
feeling absolutely terrible and guilty because i didnt make it for novena today
it doesnt help that i wont be able to go for mass till evening tomorrow.
i know i've never been that holy and all that
but theres just something about going to church that i cant place
it just makes me feel right admist all the wrong thats surrounding me
to find peace in the turbulence
maybe i wouldnt get an answer to all my questions
but at least i know that i can find the strength and guidance to keep searching.

the mistakes were mine to make
the choices mine to live with
the consequences my own to bear

alone again,
naturally.

When I first saw you, I saw love. And the
first time you touched me, I felt love. And
after all this time, you're still the one I love.

i know you liked me the moment you saw me
but what would matter is that you love me now.

looking around at the smiling faces seated around the table
the insignificant little affectionate gestures
i felt your absence the most
looked over at the empty seat next to me that belongs to you
and fervently wished that you could be by my side
it was then that i knew for certain.
to myself i can no longer lie.

cause all thats left has gone away
and theres nothing left for you to prove
..
it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

happy birthday dylan and sanchia
i love you

life in itself is full of ironies

to experience the true bliss of happiness,
you first have to endure the sufferings of pain.
to savour the tantilizing sweetness
you have to have tasted the bittermost gall
you never know the real value of something till you loose it

to have eternal life
you first need to die.

hectic hectic weekend
seem to have been running frantically all over the place
like the butterflies (or is it bees?) rushing to pollinate before the winter
despite the fact that it has been most punishing on my poor feet and wallet
i have had a lovely time coming the streets of town
and fulfilling shopping trips
with most of my christmas list down
- not that its very long..just very costly (haha)
and of cos the accquisition of my gorgeous purple velvet dress for christmas:
the ultimate indulgence i swear
but it feels so lovely..
but now theres the problem of what heels and accessories to go with it
and finding a black shawl for church..

after sounding pretty intellectual and deep
i am successfully ended up still presenting myself as a total airhead and bimbo.

the silence speaks volumes

and in the absence of sound i hear my screams

i'm starting to think that perhaps weight loss might just not happen after all
firstly because my head weighs a ton am i am just struggling to keep it from falling of my neck - that fyi is god knows how many additional pounds added
and me being the clever me just had rum and rasin ice cream despite not having fully recovered
not to mention the amount of fat that carries
and heading out with my darlings edith and lijie for prata tomorrow
at the prata house
so really i so see my already very huge tummy bulging even further
i am begining to even wonder if i can actually make it there in one piece and back
i am amazed that my dearest friends actually trust me to ferry them there and back in one piece given my current condition
just remember to say your prays tonight okay darlings
hahah
muah muah
dont worry i wouldnt wanna risk your lives for the world

just starting to regain consciousness after being out cold for the past day
well technically i wasnt cold but having a raging fever and insane temperature
but i was practucally oblivous to my surroundings
literally collasped ina heap on the bed
maybe this might just be the perfec weight loss solution that i've been waiting for.
hahah

Sitting there all alone
In the window of her room
Watching the world go by
Brings tears to her eyes
All she sees is hurt and pain
And she wants to break the chain

feels like every day a little part of me dies
a rock slowly weathered away by the constant beatings of nature
rooted there defenceless and powerless to stop the inslaught
all i can do is just let it slowly tear me down
and wash me away
watch it shape and chip away at me
till i dont even recognise myself anymore
around me the broken pieces swirl in the water before sinking slowly to the dark sea bed
and disappearing forever from my gaze
the parts rudely snatched from me and never to return
i can only mourn in silence

i am amazed at the ability a 9 year old girl has at diaoing boys
or the intense disdain and disregard she displays with respect to them
as they laugh giggle and shout and scream at the top of their voices around her.
REALLY girls are without a doubt more mature civilised and intelligent.
on a not so pleasant note though if she keeps this up. there is no denying the possibility of her turning up to become a real bitch and princess.
she already has all the airs - in speech the way she walks even the turn of her head.
here is one girl who will grow up to make men grovel at her feet.
this i dont doubt.
nice.

well in class now counting down the mintues till i can get out of this freezer
and away from the incessants shouts and nonsensical ramblings of hyper active childish boys.
(okay so children have every RIGHT to be childish but that still does not mean its the correct thing to do)
bribing them with peanut butter oreos is helping a teeny weeny bit
but its like after the periodic silence, the din escalates to make up for the absence of sound a few minutes ago.

well met up with the girls last evening
wish we could have stayed out longer though...
the night just seems so short
we have to go out again
christmas plans swirling around somewhere.
must get down to doing something...

staying up late at night is rarely a good thing in my case
cos i nearly always get hungry
and i end up eating
and stuffing myself with food
and feeing terrible and bloated like i do now.
wich is just a hedious thing.
i feel bad and lonely
no thanks to the fact that lijie and angelo dearest have left me
gloriously sailed off and flew off to dezaru and japan respectively
leaving me here alone to fend for myself.
alright so i am just making myself sound pathetic
but its late at night and i am entitled to some self pity
and tears over a bulging tummy that refuese to go away!! *sobs

but well at a glorious time last evening with my dearest friends at nude
having a good laugh over buttery nipples and fuzzy navels
beneath glittery disco balls and glowing chandeliers
atop comfortable leather couches
i've missed our times like these

and i miss you